to dwell with Chel

to dwell with Chel

wakeupchelsea

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(no subject)	[Jul. 10th, 2007\|10:40 pm]
i was walking through AC Moore the other day and saw one of those cheesy framed inspirational pictures that said "Life isnt about finding yourself, its about creating yourself." and for some strange reason, ive chosen to think about that saying like 1,000 times lately. i submitted a photo of me launching a kite to a kiteboarding magazine and they emailed me tonight and told me im going to be in next months issue. hells yes. AND im applying for like 12 different internships. mostly in NY. soo we'll see how that goes. oh yea, did i mention that im hopelessly in love with jay? cause i am. probably a stupid decision but thats life, right? we talked today for about 2 hours and it was perfect. i laughed a lot and if i can get the money together, then im going to see him aug 1st. now accepting donations for the ticket that will heal my relationship. i dont know what to do about josh. basically hes perfect. and basically im an idiot. i realize this, but cant change.
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its been awhile	[Jul. 3rd, 2007\|10:46 am]
i havent been able to think lately. maybe its because im trying not to. quick update: jay broke up with me. because he liked a lesbian and said that if he had feelings for someone else then he shouldnt be with me. he slept with her. in his car. when they were drunk. then wrote me a letter saying all of that. called me crying. bawling. begging me to take him back. when does this shit end? i am trying to see how i feel. hes driving across country to san fran right now. the trip that i was supposed to be on. but i told him i wasnt going. i dont need to be in a car with him for 5 days. we'd have nothing to talk about. and most likely the whole time id picture him fucking her in my head. oh and when he calls he makes me feel like shit and like im dissapointing him. because i refuse to have phone sex. which has always been the case. i dont fucking understand him. one minute hes begging me to take him back, the next hes telling me that he doesnt have to be with me and how he can do so much better. i have a coworker named josh. hes 28. the most beautiful person ive ever seen. he acts younger, i act older, we kinda meet in the middle. he was in the navy for 5 yrs now hes a senior at uncw. he has a 4.0. never had an A- in college. he makes me laugh constantly. and im falling for him. HARD. we spend every day together..and if we dont we both go crazy. yesterday we went for a walk down the beach and ended up on our friend Al (the pirate)'s boat. we sat on his boat and drank hard cider for 3 hours. watched the sunset and just told stories. it was fucking beautiful. i know i want josh. i know i need him in my life cause he makes me feel important. im scared. because in the beginning jay was perfect. i dont want josh and i to end up like jay and I. and, i cant completely let go of jay.
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(no subject)	[Apr. 5th, 2007\|03:46 pm]
i was at the bead store picking out a charm with words on it. the one i picked was "Trust." it wasnt until after that i realized that it is the only thing that i dont have, thats why i choose it. he is confusing. the one time i actually care and make an effort he blows me off. then when i decide to live for me, he wants all of my time. NO. i cant take this bs. im trying to be an adult about this now but i think hes the only thing in my life bringing me down. repeatedly anyway. the other one is remarkably relyable lately. i wish i could see the end of all this. yesterday=worst. went to 3 classes then 11 hours of work. last night=most amazing night of my life. ive never been so satisfied doing absolutely nothing with someone im so attracted to. hes back in my life. for some reason i dont think he'll ever totally leave. we downloaded music, he showed me how i should give a lap dance(HAHA), we talked about each others past and our future. i dont want to think this time. he seems to be real but i have a hard time believing anything he says to me. ive just been proven right too many times. im doing horrible in school. maybe it has something to do with taking 19 hours and living at 3 jobs. i am ridiculous right now. i just want to lay in bed and laugh with him again. stop me from thinking. kthanks.
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(no subject)	[Aug. 30th, 2006\|09:45 am]
life is good, that is all.
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(no subject)

[Aug. 13th, 2006|07:16 am]

im in jfk airport. waiting.

I didnt cry when i told him bye. It was actually a sweet moment. only smiles. we both know ill be back there in october.

we had such a wonderful summer. im sad its over. but im MORE glad that i got to experience it.

oh yeah, jays getting out of the coast guard in 2008 and we're moving to ny. we decided.

he wants to live in the city.

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(no subject)	[Jul. 27th, 2006\|07:12 am]
I want to skip work and go lay out on the beach. I am getting so spoiled by living here.
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(no subject)	[May. 17th, 2006\|08:31 am]
TONIGHT: 8-10: "Go BJ and TYLER party": my house: be there! (for those who dont know..my buddy mel from college's bro is on the amazing race. and tonight is the finale. and hes still in it. so we're pumped. and u have to come celebrate with me)
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(no subject)	[May. 2nd, 2006\|12:50 am]
This is my finished painting. yay! id love to hear what you guys think! (i stole stary night and used it in my art!!! muahahahah)
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(no subject)	[Mar. 28th, 2006\|10:41 pm]
im an update-a-holic...but its the only place i can vent and not have to hear, or see people be disgusted with me i hate being vunerable..just thought i'd throw that one out there. I had an interview with NY&C tonight..it went awesome and I go again tom for a second..they said i should know by Thursday if i got the job..i really want it..its time to get away from food services... nothing is stable in my life right now. everything is up in the air. I hate waiting for a little envelope to come in the mail to know which road my life is going to take. I wish he would be excited all the time..at least as excited as I am..he is..but he doesnt show it..AHHHH wtf i knew id feel like this again when i got back here..i freakin hate the way Asbury makes me feel..im turning into a hermit who doesnt care about anyone I want to jump..just to see where I'll fall
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<3	[Mar. 2nd, 2006\|07:36 am]
Guess whos getting up at 6:30 every morning to work out? ME! Monday began my new life. I had an epiphany in the shower on sunday. I realised that there were three things in my life that i wanted to do, but neglected. I neglected working out, reading my bible, and playing guitar...so everyday since monday Ive done an hour of each. And ITS.SO.AMAZING. I wanna kill someone every morning when i wake up but after i take the mile hike to the weight room, im always glad that im experiencing the morning air. Ive seen the sunrise and sunset every day this week. Its marvelous. And I can already tell a difference in my guitar playing. And that inspires me to play more. I love making myself have structure...and now, since im awake for so long, i've been getting a TON more of my hw done. Overall, im just excited about this... (OH! 16 more days till PR!!!!!)
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(no subject)	[Feb. 9th, 2006\|12:11 am]
wow i am happy...and its thanks to me finally letting go and to a certain new friend that i have. i love the awesomeness of some people and i love curious george..and im going to see his new movie Friday..cause THATS WHEN IT COMES OUT!! MUUUAHAHAHA
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totally unconnected thoughts	[Feb. 1st, 2006\|01:08 pm]
I wish there were enough hours in the day to actually accomplish things. I want to read more, I want to learn everything about hispanic culture possible, i want to be fluent in every language, i want to write letters to those i love, i want to work all the time, i want to escape the responsiblity of being relyable. If only life was still like in Bible times...where everyone lived to be 900 yrs old...i would be so smart in my old age. Now, we barely have enough time to be young and stupid...but i seem to always find a way. Why as a culture are we so incredibly stupid? I didnt learn English grammar until 10 grade in high school. And i honestly didnt really learn it then. Why is that? Why does the 'education' system keep us dumb. Why is it that the only time we actually learn something is when we fuck up. And by then, its too late to apply what we've just learned. Why is it that we are scared of committment? Why is it that no one trusts anymore? Why is it that we depend on others to make ourselves feel secure. Why do we apply what happened in the past to what is happening in the present..even though its totally unrelated. Why cant we forgive and forget. "You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world"....why is there so much truth in this? "I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let... lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may." will we ever really come to the point where we figure out who the hell we are? We may think we know..but then something happens and leaves us without a clue. Sometimes we find true happieness..but when we do, we wonder why WE found this happiness...almost like we feel bad for being happy. We worry so much about other people and THEIR happiness when we're the ones suffering. Im not saying to be totally self-centered...just be more aware of what forces are controlling you. Why do you make the desicions you make. Is there really one perfect person out there for each of us..or just a lot of people that we can be compatable with. I dont wanna die without a few scars.
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um...	[Jan. 26th, 2006\|10:54 am]
ive been having these really weird dreams for the past three nights in a row. they all start the same way but each night i get further and further into what is happening. and they scare the hell outta me. because they are what i think about in my subconscious. you know, like the things that you think about during the day that you'd never tell anyone in fear of it becoming true if you did. or the things that you only think about when your really tired and doubt takes over your whole being...yea, and now i get to dream about them at night...this better not be a premonition.
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(no subject)	[Jan. 14th, 2006\|08:56 pm]
Puerto Rico was phenominal. The time I spent there was priceless. I love Jay so incredibly much and his family is amazing too. I had my first special new years. my first new years kiss. we went surfing a lot. well, i went floating a lot..haha..he tried so hard to teach me and i did learn a bunch..i just need to keep practicing...and not jump off when i actually stand up. its freaky but i love it. I cant wait to get better. i wanna try all the time. i got to video Jay surfing and that was a lot of fun. i love watching him. hes so brave out in the ocean. maybe im just a chicken..i feel a lot better about things between us. i was confused about some stuff earlier but im better now. just seing him and spending time with him made every doubt vanish and every ounce of love i had for him multiply. u know how they say "distance makes the heart grow fonder"..well i believe thats true..for awhile..then after a certain point, the heart doubts. but i learned a lot about myself on this trip..which really suprised me. i wasnt expecting to. if the money comes in then im going back for spring break. march 18-25. which is only like 2 months away. this time tiff and brad will come too. that should be a blast. i think getting away would be good for them. i had so much fun there. we went to a rainforest, snorkeling, to beautiful beaches, to san juan (when it was POURING rain), to a beach alone one night just watching the waves crash, and we had such a great time. Jay cooked amazing food for us. it all tasted so great. his friends were nice. especially fernando and jessica. i love them. and their puppy. i have amazing photos and two videos that jay made. theyre awesome too. its nice to be able to see his face when we're apart. he gave me the most amazing christmas present ever and i almost cried. if it was just me and him, i would have. its a good thing elisha and adam were there. anyways i have a long drive ahead of me tom. heading back to KY..a.k.a..hell. just pray i dont sacrifice my roomate. last semester things were so hard for me. losing my family, friends and jay all at once. but i know this one will be better. I have the most incredible boyfriend in the whole world who really is my best friend. and i trust him more now than i ever have. i trusted him before but i think i just needed to experience his world. i loved every second of it..maybe ill even be able to go to UPR this fall..we'll see. all in good time. i love him more every day. and our love inspires me. its crazy. i never thought id feel this way about anyone. i guess we all compare our current relationships to our past ones..whether we realize it or not..but i think ive finally broken free of that and put the nasty past behind me. and i dont hold him to anything he did in his past..shit happens, but all i care about is us now..how we are. i feel so happy. even though he is sooo far away from me again..im happy. because i just spend 2 weeks with the most gorgeous guy in the universe who thinks im pretty cool myself. how awesome is that... its late..i should go to bed. i have to go to church tom at 8..getting an early start on whats going to be a long day
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(no subject)	[Dec. 25th, 2005\|09:29 am]
Merry Christmas. it doesnt feel right. I feel like I need to wake up. I wish my mouth wasnt killing me today. that would make things better. the boyfriend is alone today. 2,000 miles away. that makes me sad for him. no one should be alone on christmas. i leave in 4 days. moms deciding to be a lil nazi again and say that im staying a week instead of 2. but...im not coming back till jan 13th. tomorrow i go shopping with the family..then to the beach to the dentist so that they can take out the packing for my dry socket..hopefully all goes well and they say its ok to go to PR. i think i just miss him. thats whats wrong with me...and its raining. that too.
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hmmm...	[Dec. 20th, 2005\|08:44 am]
its all over now.. so i did everything i was afraid of.. 1.)Finals..im soo glad their over. I didnt even have time to study for my spanish one..its not like its my MAJOR or anything..no worries..i hope i did alright 2.)Driving home all 13 hours alone. I did it and it was the most liberating thing i've ever done in my life. I stayed at this hotel and took a shower at 2 in the morning..just cause i could. I made it home through the sleet and snow storms..yea for me 3.) Wisdom teeth pulling. So i had all 4 pulled and only one is giving me trouble. it was around a bone or something..i dunno for sure but i DO know that its killer and its making me frustrated cause it hurts so much. I have this strange lump under my jaw now...i dunno what thats about. 4.) the worst of all...talking to my dad. I finally got enough guts and did it last night. i thought it was going to be bad but it was worse than i ever could have imagined. I read him this letter that i wrote to him and when i was finished he was so pissed. because he didnt think i was old enough to make my own desicions. he said that he WONT support me with this and he doesnt think Jay needs to be in my life at all..oh and by the way..he said hes not taking me or picking me up from the airport..so marsh, im pretty sure im gonna need that ride. My mom is actually on my side with this one and she said that she would drive me there and pick me up but i dont want to cause any marital controversy. ya know? i just cant believe its over. it hurts so much cause i know my dad is really mad/dissapointed in me but it also feels good in a weird way because i know i FINALLY stood up to him. soo...yea, im going. i'll send post cards. i get to see marsha today..and maybe watch a movie with erin..i cant wait..i miss them soooooo much..and i havent seen marsh since thanksgiving!!
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(no subject)	[Dec. 13th, 2005\|09:26 am]
so i did what tab and kate did..cause its the cool thing to do. January: a new year. a new life. February: So.. last weekend was Aquire the Fire. March: lets see..i havent done some serious posting in awhile, trying to keep my thoughts to myself i guess. April: sometimes u just have to give in and do what u want. May: one day of iss down..only two more to go.. (haha..this ones my fav) June: i havent written since before graduation... whoa im a slacker. July: im home but i miss all my friends there..soo much. August: contemplating lots of things. September: tonight was amazing. October: This week has been insane..i just want to evaporate. November: So this past week has been the most amazing week of my life. December: i just finished my first final..biology lab..WHOA im glad thats over..no more cutting open frogs.. so i went back in my archives to prom time of 2004..the whole prom=death thing..and i cant believe how much of an idiot i was. I am just glad that i got to read all those thoughts and see how much ive changed..i dont know how i had any friends then..haha i was so retarded. reading all of that made me relax about this weekend a little more. just think...its almost over. 16 days and ill be in paradise with my best friend. This year has FLOWN by..i cant believe its almost over..the years keep getting shorter and shorter..i hope the next 3 fly by..i cant wait to graduate...
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im tired of feeling alone in this one	[Dec. 12th, 2005\|11:51 pm]
just when i thought i was starting to be comfortable here, my roomie has to tell me how much im changing. how much im falling away from what is right..how satan has jay's soul and hes trying to get to me through him..how i should squeeze jay out of my life..or atleast downsize him... hes 2,500 miles away from me. thats pretty intense. it just hurts. because honestly, i think im growing the most now. im being stretched in so many areas that i never thought possible and no, its not fun, but im growing. and thats all that matters. I think ive matured so much since ive left home. I see the change in myself..i just view it as a good one... tonight just proved once again, that asbury will never accept me. Im trying. and i think im doing a pretty good job of becoming who ive longed to be for years. im just tired. of being stressed out. and of being criticized by those i love. im more afraid of going home than i am of finals..thats not how it should be.
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hmmm...	[Dec. 11th, 2005\|07:10 pm]
18 DAYS!!!! COME ON PR!!!! so the 18th bday wasnt too great. my dad left this retarded voicemail on my phone and it made me cry for like an hour. who does that on someones bday? then he sent me flowers that night and i had to call and say thanks...then it was silence and he asked me about the weather here..apparently we have nothing to talk about. jay called me and wished me a happy bday which was soo sweet. i love him. thanks to all who called me or left me facebook messages..it means a lot. so, i have a nasty cold right now. Ive been in bed since Friday afternoon and havent gone anywhere. I have to go to work tomm morn at 8:30 and then have my first hardest final at 1...then work again till 6..but after that im DONE with work until next semester.. Thursday i leave at 5 in the morning and drive 13 hours home..alone..pray that i dont get too lost...or fall asleep..im kinda bad at staying awake and alert when im drive for a long time. friday i approach the unapproachable...my father. I wrote him a letter because we're not talking. im going to sit him down and read the letter to him so that im positive he hears everything i have to say..then im sure all hell will break loose. i just have to keep thinking that im going and there is nothing that he can do about it. i just dont know if i have enough guts to do this..we'll see i guess. im doing this friday because id rather live in hell for the entire holiday than have all these thoughts inside of me the whole time im home. saturday i get my wisdom teeth pulled out at 8 in the morning. all 4 of them. come visit me cause im sure ill be funny looking. i'll only have 12 days to recover before i see jay..pray that i recover well. so i found something disapointing out today. heath ledger is in a new movie..but he plays a cowboy fag..i cant love him anymore.
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